What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 06:14
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What do you think is the most powerful line in the song "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" by Édith Piaf?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I could never make a relationship work though!
How do you know if your husband loves you truly and deeply?
I don,t even have a pension.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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(And it was in our own minds.)
Im still living with it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Do you like to wear a see-through skirt?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Put me off passion for life!!
Has your mother ever walked in on you at an inappropriate time?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
How many women have accidentally pooped their pants and became turned on afterwards?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why do I sweat a great deal while exercising the same on some days and not so much on others?
I waited trembling.
She loved him until the end.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Is it okay or problematic to be both Black and gay in society in the 21st century?
Especially a lifetime of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
When she asked me how she looked .
Comes on , in middle age.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He knew the spot.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But, we were locked up after school.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i lived it daily.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My life is so biszare .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We all went to grammer schools
She wouldn,t have been !
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were not on the streets..
Would this be the day?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was seconnd youngest,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One cannot live in the past .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I think the readers, may guess!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But ive been too sick for many years..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was very sick at this time too.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I will be 64.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She found it foreign!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I said to her
So, i spoilt her more .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was 9 years of age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Who then, do I blame.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is soul school!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ive learnt so much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was scared of men, in general
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My family never makes their pension either.
I have no regrets .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She married twice! .
She was in good health!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
What did i know ?
So whats the point in blame.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It was going to be , some day.
But it wasn’t much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!